I'm a waste

I used to have friends who made me laugh and smile, but everything changed when I started high school. At first, things seemed to get better I  got a boyfriend for the first time and reconnected with old friends. I thought my life was finally improving. But now, I mostly feel like a loner. I have friends, but not close ones. It feels like nobody wants to talk to me. My friends talk to each other and leave me out. This year, I realized I don’t really have much of a personality. I’m just the backup friend the one people come to only when they need something. I’ve tried hard to fix my friendships because, without that effort, I’d have nobody. Sure, I still have my boyfriend, but if we broke up, I’d feel completely alone. No comfort would ever be enough to help me then. I know I’m not someone special or someone worth caring about. While being alone for nearly half my life, having a boy who liked me felt new and special. He had a girl friend, which didn’t bother me at first until I found out he used to like her. Suddenly, jealousy and sadness took over. She’s beautiful, with an hourglass figure, tall and perfect while I’m chubby. It took me a long time to stop feeling jealous. I hated being mad at her, especially since she did nothing wrong. My boyfriend tells me he’ll always love me, but my abandonment issues make it hard to believe that. I’ve always wished I were beautiful. To look even halfway decent, I feel like I have to wear makeup to cover all my flaws. I just wanna smash my face into a wall