My life has been riddled with extensive periods of extreme isolation. I haven't made a genuine connection, (friendship) with another human being since I was around eight years old. The depression was extreme as a young child, but for the longest time I didn't understand why I felt the way I did. My life was so devoid of human connection that I simply never knew what I was missing. Eventually, though, I caught on to what it was: loneliness. The cowardice brought on by my never-ending anxiety made it seemingly impossible to branch out and meet people. It wasn't something I was ever accustomed to in childhood, so naturally I strayed farther and farther away from social settings. Which leads me to today..a solitary life I'm caged in; forced to feel the same miserable emotions every day. The hopelessness is unbearable.
Around a young age, im unsure of the exact date, I experienced symptoms of gender dysphoria. The idea of being the gender I was born as made me feel such extreme anger, depression, and sadness. My thoughts were consumed with my hatred for this gender I was cursed into. Begging God to turn me into the correct gender was a common occurrence. The desperation was hard to measure. The older I get, the worse the dysphoria becomes. The few moments in my life where glimmers of motivation to attempt to improve my life comes my way, it is quickly shut down once I recall the fact that no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, I will be cursed with this gender until the day I am gone. Again..it all feels overwhelmingly impossible to have any hope for the future whatsoever.
But, I am still here after all. Not exactly sure why. Maybe I'll figure it out eventually.