Hi, it's the first time I'm writing something about this pain I'm feeling in a place like this.
I'm a young woman, let's call me A, that has is currently having a sort of "ice rule (idk how it's called in English)" in which I don't talk to my mother and she doesn't talk to me; the problem is that my little brother and sister are also sort of leaving me out (without noticing) and the oldest, well, too.
But, before I start to share my thoughts, let me share my story: my parents split up two/three years ago, they weren't married and they had me, my little sister and brother relatively young so their relationship wasn't meant to work out from the beginning.
The point is, the problems started during this messy break up, I had to be the one acting Ike a punching bag to anyone alongside my older sister and the two of us had to share the burden of being hated by our own mother while my father, well, he just kind of ignored me. But that's fine.
When they split, I went with my mother because my father continued to belittle my mother during the split up and constantly harassed her to the point that the cops were called here two times; anyway, I'm not talking to my father or staying at his place but my brother and little sister do 50/50 (brother is still a minor) while the oldest is staying with father.
My mother and I, well, let's just say that our relationship has always been rocky because I knew she hated me, from the moment I was ten and I watched how her face went from indifferent to hatred when she saw who was coming in the bedroom (I was 10 at the time), and, during the split up, both of them (mother and father) always liked to remark how much they despised being around each other since the start of the relationship, mentioning the precise years every time.
As you could guess, my mother was pregnant with me when they were tg while my old sister was going to be a teenager soon. And so, my age was always told during the argument. But why is it relevant to why my mother hates me? Ofc, because I cried when they went on and on about this thing for months and she just laughed at my father and told him that I was crying because he (and her, but she is too prideful to admit it) continued to remark the years and like, she didn't even try to console me.
Anyway, the problem with my
mother is that we fought at start of January of this year and she told me to kill myself and the way I could, while also tried to gaslight me into thinking that she didn't tell me that she wasn't sorry about being one of the reasons I should go to therapy and she will only be sorry when I'll bring home man to have money (we are from another country and the way she told me this wasn't about a possible outcome but a future that will be happening) and also started to ridiculise me for not seeing a therapist since I was afraid. Oh, right, she also admitted that she hates me and yeah, that kind of sucks.
With all those issues, I feel so tired of everything that I just want to die. I can't take it anymore, since I was in middle school I feel so trash for all those things but I'm afraid of pain. Mentally, I'm strong for all this shit but to a certain point and I'm tired of getting up, feeling like this time and time again that I just want to let go. But, again, I can't.
I have siblings, friends that I love but...
...the reason I don't kill myself is because I'm afraid of the pain. I don't want to suffer. If someone here knows how to kill myself without feeling any kind of pain I would be grateful or, if you can talk to me a little, this would also be alright.
